im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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