So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
