He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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