FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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