jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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