Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What a dumb baby whore.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
