ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
