I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just want nice things and good sex
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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