im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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