Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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