pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
