we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
