WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
