I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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