dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
