I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
