Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
