My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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