i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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