I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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