I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
