i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
