there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
