Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
