dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
