I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
