You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
