you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
