New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
