I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
