its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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