I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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