Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
