as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
