Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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