i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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