im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
