Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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