How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
