Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
