Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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