if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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