did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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