hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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