that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have aggressive nipples.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize