I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
