then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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