I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
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