i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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