I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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