i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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