ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
