I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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