dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
