You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Still dying that you shit outside
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
