Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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