I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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