my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
