My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
