Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
