I hope mine doesn't look like that
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
