he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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