i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
