I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize