There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
