I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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