he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
