Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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